Oops
by Anna Scathach
Summary: What if everything goes wrong when Bella is changed? A parody, co-written with HackerMuffin. Enjoy!
1. Oops

A/N: This is a Twilight parody written by my friend HackerMuffin (have a look at her profile!) and me. It was inspired by the Breaking Dawn Quote of the day of 22nd July 2008, Edward: "Oops." No spoilers!

Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight's characters or Breaking Dawn. Stephenie Meyer does.

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It was beautiful summer's day. Bella and Edward were on their way to their precious meadow. Of course Edward was carrying Bella in his arms, running through the forest at an amazing speed, and naturally, she had to close her eyes because of a sudden sickness. As a result, she didn't see the last sunbeams shining through the foliage above her. The woods looked beautiful that evening, but they didn't care.

Both had been silent for a while. But then Bella opened her eyes and looked him straight in the face.

"I'm ready. Do it in the meadow."

"Are you certain? This could go so wrong."

"You said it yourself: You could never harm me that way. And I trust you."

"But what if it happens anyway? Here is nobody to stop me in that case."

"Alice would know it."

"Okay."

Finally they had reached the meadow that, magnificently illuminated by the last rays of the setting sun, looked even more enchanted than usual. Edward sat Bella down gently. He looked at her intently to make sure she didn't doubt.

But Bella made her decision a long time ago and she would never change it. His condition had been fulfilled the day before: They had married.  
Since Alice had planned the whole wedding, it had been a totally exaggerated party from the bride's point of view. In spite of her former knowledge of the plans, Bella hadn't wanted to ruin the fun for her "sister" and also for Edward. Charlie, who hadn't liked the whole marriage at all first, had given Bella a way, smiling. Even Renée had shed a few tears. And Alice and Rosalie, well, if they were able to cry, they would have been the loudest. They had been relieved to see their brother finally happy after all these years of loneliness. Jake, being dragged into the church by Billy last minute, had looked Bella firmly in the eye and had said "Don't do it." And Bella had known he hadn't meant only the wedding. She had only answered she had made her choice a long time ago. Even a pack of crazy werewolves with a way-too-young beta couldn't stop her. Jasper had arrived just in time to change Jake's building anger into an overwhelming feeling of joy. The young Quileute's face had lit up until it showed a genuine happiness. Had it been because of Jessica staring at him wide-eyed? However, later at the party, they had mysteriously disappeared…

Abruptly, Bella sat up. That had been yesterday. Today there were more important issues. Although a wedding was meant 'til death did part them, death hardly mattered anymore after what Edward was going to do in a few minutes. Plus, she had been bound to the vampire for eternity from the very moment they had first kissed. This was bounding her forever and for always, for all eternity.

She turned to him.

"Now."

She took his silence as a yes. Bella laid back and pushed a few loose strands of her brown hair off her throat. Then he slowly moved towards her and bent over.

When he finally pulled away, the sun had set. Both of the couple had underestimated the delicious taste of her blood. Edward looked at her, shock and disbelief on his face. But all his suddenly very dry throat could get out was a strangled "Oops."

At the very moment, his mobile rang. Alice was calling. . .

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A/N: Don't take it seriously! Please review. Thanks!  
Anna Scathach & HackerMuffin


	2. Clumsy even in Death

_A/N: I struggled for a long time (has it really been more than half a year?) with this final chapter or epilogue, or what ever you want to call it, to Oops. But here it is now, so enjoy and please review! Co-written to an extent with HackerMuffin._

_Disclaimer: We don't own the Twilight characters, or Breaking Dawn. Stephenie Meyer does._

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**Bella's Funeral**

**or**

**Clumsy even in Death**

Edward picked up his mobile. He didn't say anything.

"Edward?"

Silence.

"Edward?!"

Silence.

"Edward, don't bite her. Please."

Silence.

"Edward?"

Deathly silence.

"Oh… I'll prepare the funeral. "

Silence, then a dry click. Alice had replaced.

Thirteen days later. The corpse had already begun decaying, but Alice had picked the date because of the dramatic effect. Although everybody had been affected by Bella's death, it was evident she was still pretty much of the former Alice. Even if deep inside of her she still mourned for her lost sister. How could Edward have done that to her? Bella would have been a much better sister than Rosalie (except for her sense of fashion, but she could have worked on that).

Charlie and the other mortals had been told an angry grizzly'd attacked Bella in the forest during one of her strolls through local nature. And naturally, everybody had accepted that, since Bella was known as especially outdoorsy and they all knew she loved being outside in the rain, with all the monsters in the woods.

Alice looked over the assembly. The whole town seemed to have gotten up early that Saturday, although it was raining cats and dogs. All those people that had waited for Bella's arrival when she first came to that small town in the middle of nowhere, that was called by the strange name of Forks. Alice didn't know why (weren't forks some human stuff to eat the disgusting stuff they called food?).

She saw Bella's friends from high school. There was that Mike Newton that always reminded her of a dog when around Bella. By his side, Alice saw Jessica, apparently she hadn't given up yet trying to seduce the oblivious boy by her sluttish attitude. There were Angela and her small boyfriend, as well, seeming to be glued together by the upper bodies. Some other meaningless faces stared at the coffin. Alice snorted. Did they honestly think they could save poor Bella by staring at her corpse?

There were also the werewolves. Grouped around the alpha dog, Sam, they stood in the rain, chattering loudly about fur colors and clothes they'd lost in the woods. Amateurs. Only that insane girly called Emily seemed to pay any attention to what was going on. Her niece, though, was babbling something to the love of her life. They made for quite the silly couple: a tall guy making faces at a baby girl that was trying to flirt with him.

Then there was Charlie. In his sheriff uniform that must have been new in his youth, but now was too small to contain his belly, he made a grim face. He'd just lost his daughter, the one who provided warm meals and did all the housekeeping for him. Alice smirked, that must have been quite the shock. She pitied the other policeman, who would have to do the daily chores at Swann's from now on. Renée couldn't make it, because her new husband Phil had a very important baseball match, seeing as they were running a big risk of losing since they were 3rd, playing against the last team of the league.

Finally, the funeral began. Some people said something or other about Bella. Alice didn't listen, they hadn't known Bella at all. Then she looked at the corpse of her friend one last time.

She noticed the pale face. The tangled brown hair. The lips that had once been red and full of life, but now seemed strangely empty. The beautiful eyes, still opened and staring at something, because someone, her father, Alice thought sourly, had forgotten to close them. The body that seemed even paler than usual in a midnight blue dress. And the small, but noticeable, bloodied bite marks on her neck, where the hair had been moved by the wind. Alice sighed.

Afterwards, everything was a blur. Unimportant people said unimportant things about Bella, which were mostly false, anyway. Then there was some strange music – like my brother Edward would listen to, Alice grinned. Emmett and Jasper took the coffin to bury Bella six feet under, but it slipped, and fell into the gaping hole, sunny side down.

Alice laughed lightly. Even in death, Bella was still clumsier than most people…

And then it was over. Sobs were to be heard on the rainy graveyard while some insignificant human filled the grave with mud. One after one, the town of Forks left its cemetery to dry themselves in a warm place, preferably the restaurant, where they could drink to Bella and celebrate a little. Only Angela wandered off with Ben in another direction, mumbling something about him not ending like her old friend by catching pneumonia in that sacred rain.

The Cullens were the last ones to leave. Edward, who would have been crying if he'd been able to, stumbled awkwardly down the path. Esme and Carlisle walked side by side, their grave faces betraying nothing of their emotions. Jasper was overwhelmed from all the mixed feelings at the funeral, so overwhelmed in fact that poor Alice practically had to carry him home on her own. Only Rosalie ran off into the woods to hunt, laughing wildly because the human was dead, and Emmett followed her, like the faithful watch-dog he was.

Alice couldn't believe it was really over, but it was really over, and nothing would ever be the same again.

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And so the lion fell in love with the wolf…

Wait. WHAT?!

_A/N: Well, what did you think? Tell us in a review, please!_

_Anna Scathach (and HackerMuffin)_


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